I was looking for criticism of Don Miguel`s four agreements and I came across your contribution. I really like the four chords and thought about sharing them in a professional development environment about racial inequality, but I had serious concerns about Don`t Take Anything Personally. These are the same thoughts you have eloquently shared here. When I work on justice issues of any kind, I think the 2nd Agreement is interpreted in such a way that people are not held accountable for their words or actions or are not encouraged to grow or change as human beings. I think Don Miguel or others could refer to the 1st and 4th chords. If you`re flawless and do your best, you don`t have to worry about hurting others. However, when it comes to deep-seated prejudice, bigotry, and institutionalized oppression, you can`t just say to a person of color, a person living in poverty, or someone who identifies as LBGTQ, etc., “Don`t take racism, classism, homophobia, etc. so personally." They will completely detach themselves from the conversation for good reason, and unraveling work, inequality, and inequality together will stop abruptly. Thank you for sharing your ideas.
I`ve only spoken to big fans of the Four Accords and I`m glad I thought about looking for other opinions. You have helped me think more deeply and carefully about them, and perhaps saved me from deeply and personally offending others. Thank you very much for that. Much of the “you create your own reality" self-help stuff ignores the effects of racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia. To be honest, I don`t understand why the question is hurtful. An event as tragic as the murder of a loved one would probably consume anyone. The fact that you are forced to write a book about it means that your sister`s death is a trauma that you are still going through in your heart and mind. This is normal.
That is a very legitimate question to ask; Will there ever be a day when you will be able to separate the loss of your sister from the lens through which you look at the world? Essentially, the question is whether you will ever heal. It seems to me that you have made an assumption as to your intention. She explained that the question was asked with love, but your answer shows that you accepted something else. It is important to remember that when you post your words, they will be received, evaluated and criticized by others. Just because you`ve experienced a terrible event doesn`t mean very few people have to endure that you have the right to be treated a certain way or to be above criticism. Imagine someone writing a blog about surviving rape and you respond by asking them if they would ever recover. Just because you may not have endured this doesn`t mean you`re not qualified or entitled to ask a question. I am sorry, but you have broken other agreements. Reacting like any other person to a “dagger in the heart" violates the first agreement. The assumption that their intention violates the second.
There are no safe areas when you post and share your words. It`s not reasonable to write a blog and a memoir for others to read, and then get offended when you get an answer other than pity. If you want this safe space to stay safe, why would you display it for the world? Have most white Americans avoided being infected by a culture that subtly and often openly teaches them that “these people" are not equal to them? Have most so-called whites somehow escaped programming around racist stereotypes and hierarchies? Is the fanatic who spews hateful words the real racist, or is racism so deeply entrenched in our culture that no one can escape it – including the targets? And also, Kathy, I really appreciate the subject of real comments. I grew up in many ways because people were kind enough to tell me how my words and behavior affected them. The true believers in the book would say that they helped me move towards the four agreements, but if I hadn`t taken their words personally, they would have had no influence. I stumbled upon it when I googled the criticism of the four chords to make sure I wasn`t alone with my feelings. I think you explain very well why this particular agreement can be potentially dangerous. I would like to add something to that idea.
My father and mother-in-law often used chords to manipulate me. They certainly take things personally, but when I react to something offensive, they told me, so I get a “Don`t take it personally." I am proof that these agreements can be really harmful in the hands of the wrong people – especially when used against a child. In his seminal book The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz argues that to balance our society`s toxic programming, we must make four deals with ourselves. According to Ruiz, the agreements we need to make with ourselves to free ourselves from social programming are as follows: 1) Be impeccable with your word; 2) Don`t take anything personally; 3) Don`t make assumptions; and 4) Always do your best. Ruiz says we learn to accept the things dictated to us by our parents, the society and culture we grew up in as children. He explains that anything we accept as “as is" is an agreement. These uncontrolled agreements are sometimes helpful, but they are often harmful and inhibit our emotional and psychological growth. I have affirmed that reverse racism is the process of teaching the goals of racist hostility to hate oneself, to hate one`s hair, lips, nose and dark complexion, etc. To be anti-racist (regardless of ethnicity), one would have to reject programming, be programmed differently, or make a deal with oneself to refuse to qualify or call a whole group of inferior people. Although the chords are sometimes oversimplified, this is still a great little book with heavy ideas. Focusing on one of these agreements can greatly improve your life and reduce stress. Focusing on all four can really change many people`s lives.
If followed in a general and non-fanatical way, these suggestions can help you reduce a large amount of stress by helping you avoid thought and behavior patterns that cause frustration, blame, hurt feelings, and other negative emotions. It`s refreshing to have someone who shares intimacy with a spouse. My daughter was shot dead in 2006, her husband being the only witness. Even with physical abuse documented by law enforcement in the years leading up to the shooting, he was not charged with murder, to add insult to injury, the shooting case was tried by a criminal court. After years of suffering about it, I tried to heal myself, I gained strength thanks to the 4 chords and when the subject of the event was brought into conversation by a new friend, the feeling returned. One downside of the book is that some of the chords are too extreme, and if you take them literally, they can cause additional problems in your life if taken without a proverbial grain of salt. However, with a little balance and a sense of openness, these chords can each be transformative and relieve stress. Here is a statement on each of the four agreements. The introduction to the book seemed so tied to the existence of systemic racism and how we are complicit as whites, even though we think we are exempt from it (read: I, Quelcy, was complicit, even though I thought I wasn`t). I`m sharing this excerpt in case it helps open this difficult conversation for you in a new way or with other white people in your circles.
Well written! Have you considered the other 4 agreements? 1. The person who asked you the question was NOT impeccable with his word. In fact, she used her words to hurt you. 2. She assumed you weren`t able to write about the murder, but you also made assumptions about her. I understand that she did not allow you to ask questions, but I see how you develop them in this essay. 3. The woman in question is obviously not doing her BEST. I see you making your way to do your best. 4.
The 5th deal is to be skeptical but learn to listen. Sometimes the great Spirit gives us a gift that comes wrapped in pain. Keep your chin up and the glow in your eyes!! I also want to be careful and emphasize that I do not reduce this anti-racist work to a neat and orderly “project" with a beginning and an end. This quote from Rachel E. Cargle reminded me that this work is not meant to make me flawless. It`s not that I`m innocent, so I can take a step back from the arena. It shouldn`t be about me at all. There will be chaotic and unpleasant times when I will face the advantages and privileges of my race, but in search of justice for black lives, not at my comfort. In this way, we have learned, openly or unconsciously, to judge those who look different from us. In this way, we can come from loving homes and parents with the best intentions and nurture very harmful prejudices.
In this way, we learn from our society that our white skin makes us superior to the fear of black people. Things to watch out for: This is good advice for everyone and can help you make more progress toward your goals and avoid unnecessary feelings of regret. My “fiancé" used the book as a way to be able to say what he wants without having to say “sorry" because that`s my problem now – never that he sometimes says inappropriate things that make me feel good. .